Wanting it so bad.

Ever wanted to be good at something and knowing that you are not?

I love karate.  But I really suck at it.  I try, I practice, I learn.  But I watch myself and other and realize I will never be any good at it.  I can “do” the technique but there is no style, or grace or snap to it.

Am I being overly harsh on myself?  Nope.  This is not the first time I have admitted this.  Just about anything physical I am no good at.

Anything with the mind I excel at.  Troubleshooting, strategy, politics, science etc.  No problem.  I can more than hold my own.

Admit your weakness, play to your strengths.  I won’t quit, I love it to much.  It just breaks my heart that I will never be what I want to be…

Zoom…

Somehow I forgot to actually publish the last post (and a few others) I’ll pop them in when I think of it.

So the most recent post was a year ago and it feels like I could have wrote it yesterday. What does that say.

Everything is a mess. I could blame it on Covid but I won’t. So many things are ending, so many things are stuck, so may things seem endless. I keep going but only for the sake of keeping going. Still no joy in the things I should enjoy.

Why does it feel like I am missing the entire point on this? Like I got off the track long ago and just saw the track I should have been on through the trees.

Dunno. <sigh>

Is this it?

I just read my last few posts.  Nice and depressing.  So why not add to the pile.

When I was a kid I saw adults and wanted to be one so badly.  They seemed to be having fun.  They had a house and a car and a job and a wife and wow when I get all that I’ll be complete.

So I have a house and a car and a job and a wife. And I am the same guy just without those goals to look forward to.  Since I lost my faith I am a bit out to sea as well.

I am trying to replace my goals and faith with other things but switching from a goal to a process is hard.  Your brain is hard wired to look for the next thing.  But what do you do when you have all the things.

And climate change, there is always that.

I’ll have to have a think and get back to you.

Never take your foot off the gas.

Its been an incredible run.  Busy the whole year.  Chaos, tragedy and growth.

And now things slowed. And I put my head up to see where I am. As I look around I take my foot off the gas and all the thoughts and fears that have been chasing me, catch up.

They are here, around me, surround me. And I can’t get going again.  Very tired, so very tired.

When the mind is exhausted the body follows and there’s not enough coffee in the world.

It is healthy to pause once and a while, patch the patch-able, glue the glue-able, tape the tape-able.  But to fix? That takes time and energy. Easier to just keep going until it all falls apart.

And it will.  But not now. Not yet.

Tired, but not tired enough.

Connectedness

I am reading a fascinating book.  Its about depression, anxiety and how our knowledge of it  is changing.

I get depressed not because there is something wrong with my brain.  I get depressed because my brother died, my mother died, I quit my job.  These are huge life events and of course they will trigger depression and anxiety.  Duh.

What can we do to mitigate their effects and recover before the pattern get ingrained?  Basically what I am doing. Go out into nature. Meet friends. Make a difference in other peoples lives. Have a purpose in your work. Have control over the things that are important.

This is why I am feeling better, slowly.  Some way to go.  But at least I know why and at least I know my brain ain’t broke.  Life just gets mean sometimes.  Depression is a reaction to it.

Together

When I was younger I was a loner.  I wanted to be alone. Wanted to do everything myself.

Result?  I was alone, and lonely.  We are not designed to be alone but to be together and work together.

But I still have those tendencies.  My first reaction is to remove myself, to figure it out for myself, to work alone.

Working with, not against. Working with, not for, Working with, not alone.

Its a big change.  But it does work better.

Then there were three.

So my mom died.

I don’t know what else to say.

I am not dealing with it.

I put my brother down as he was so heavy but I compromised and allowed him to walk beside me.  It’s better this way.

Work has been stupid busy and just slackened off, not I can’t get going again.

My kids are starting to worry me but I cannot decide to intervene or give them space.

I am scattered. Worn thin. Confused.

And now that my mom is gone, a lot more alone.

I don’t want to be an adult anymore.

Life, it gets in the way.

So I haven’t posted in a while because work and life got really busy.  That’s good and bad.  Good that I made some money, fixed a lot of problems.  Bad as I am a little more worn out than I should be.

So as the work load slackens I have to make a choice.  Stop and smell the roses or put my shoulder into it and clear the to-do list in preparation for the next wave.

I am going to look after my own head.  And do both.  Getting the list reduced relieves my stress.  Smelling the roses reduces my stress.  So I am going to work when I need to and relax when I can.

 

Trudge, trudge

One foot in front of the other.  This is the time of year I call “doin’ time”  Not much going on, no holidays to look forward to. I don’t go somewhere warm.  Just knuckle down and get life done.

Ambition and motivation seem to be lacking but instead of giving up, just keep going.

 

Almost a year dry too.  Don’t miss it.  Seems to be making a difference.

But there is a lodestone i am carrying,  its pretty heavy but I have a need to keep it with me.  Makes me tired some days but if I put it down I am afraid I will forget about it.  I still have hope, that’s the crazy part, when there isn’t any. Clearly.  Maybe next year, or the year after.

And so it ends?

It could be over so quickly.

We were in an accident on Saturday.  My wife and I are OK.  I never saw the guy that hit us.  My last thought would have been a comment on how the guy who was behind me should tailgate.

Turns out I should have been complaining about people turning left.

But it can be over that quickly. And I am OK with that.  It would have bee tragic for my kids and my family, friends and customers.  But I wouldn’t be here to see that so who cares.

I’ve tried my level best to be a good person.  I have failed at it a lot but I never stopped trying. I have learnt a great deal, especially from my little brother.  Be quick to forgive.  Look for the best in a person. Try your best.  Smile as often as you can. Say hello to strangers.  Enjoy what you can when you can.

Life hasn’t really changed after the accident and that is a good thing, means I am on the right path.  I don’t need to make major changes.  Even at the hospital I made sure those who were sicker then me were taken care of first. I tried not to trouble the staff.  And I was rewarded by being looked after very well, quickly and effectively.

Still healing physically.  Nice to know I am on the right path.